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I say, declaring independence from the marital bed; that’s a big step, especially if you’ve chalked up a few decades together. Deserting the shared bedroom just so you can get a better night’s sleep seems decidedly sensible, practical, hard-headed and realistic. In other words, totally unromantic.
Of course there is a more permanent and legal path to separate bedrooms — divorce. One day you are just improving the quality of your sleep, the next you are discussing your offshore bank accounts with Fiona Shackleton.
But my strong sense is that the questioner is still in a happy relationship, though one that might be even happier sans snoring, fidgeting or bed hogging. We’ve surely all had those moments at 3am when you suddenly realise that some time after midnight your beloved life partner has somehow turned into a starfish.
Separate rooms have long been a habit of the very wealthy, and it is always worth considering the choices of those with the money to make them. For those who choose it, this is merely a practical arrangement that does not confuse sleeping together with, ahem, sleeping together. There is the allure of a luxury lifestyle, farewell Abigail’s Party and hello Downton. Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton famously insisted on their own adjacent houses. Mind you, they are now separated.
In the past few months, a couple of friends have shyly admitted taking advantage of their suddenly empty nests to acquire their own bedroom. In fact, now that I think about it, they’ve not really been shy about it at all. There are limits to the extent to which a gentleman can press a friend for details, but there appears to be no loss of ardour in their relationships. Indeed, one of the ickier conversations led me to the clear view that this arrangement might even have spiced things up. By all means style this out, but no one really wants to hear the details. At least, they may want to hear them, but not from you.
No doubt it is down to my “basic” middle-class values, but I admit that the idea of deserting the marriage bed has never appealed to me. Until recently it would not have been an option and even now would require a significant downgrade of room for one of us. The friends who have opted for the new arrangement tend to have homes with a touch more grandeur. I’m still not sure about the separate beds, but I’m definitely up for a grander house.
Unless you are a “hug all night” husband, there does come a point when the bed is simply something you sleep in. Clearly people have different sleep patterns. One partner invariably wants the room far cooler or darker than the other. One is a loud snorer, while the other pretends not to be. One of my friends retires late and reads into the small hours, while his wife turns in early.
There are dangers. Guys would rapidly make theirs into a den and want to spend all evening in it. There would also need to be some form of signalling system to indicate that intrusion might be acceptable, or desirable. Conversely, a “do not disturb” sign may work well, although for heaven’s sake don’t just swipe one from a hotel and forget you’ve left the “please make up my room” side showing instead.
The tricky part may be manoeuvring your partner into being the one who suggests it. If you bring the subject up, your other half might take it as unromantic and unloving, a sign of a relationship going stale. Maybe you could work on your snoring, sudden violent movements or talking loudly in your sleep about quantum mechanics? And when they raise the idea, remember to look just a touch hurt.
You will miss out on some intimacy of course, and the joy of waking next to your partner. But let’s face it, as the years roll by, the view will not be what it was. No doubt my wife once marvelled at waking next to a young Adonis, a living “David” (yes, I was referring to me, thank you), whereas these days the scene is a little more Lucian Freud.
There are other downsides. A new bedroom is a walk-in-closet forsaken. And there are middle paths to consider. Separate duvets spare each of you from that moment where your irate partner suddenly snatches back the precious inches of material you thought you had secured by rolling on to.
Alternatively, you could try an extremely large bed. Emperor-sized sounds suitably impressive. And earplugs, possibly.
Email Robert at [email protected]
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