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Messages from the archive of Rutherford Hall, critical communications strategist
WhatsApp to Stephen: I’m doing a small favour for Alice at BigCo. She’s worried about potential exposure from some lefty-anarchist band the music division has signed. Slime and Carbuncle, I think they are called. Some kind of punk/rap/grime/glam rock collective. Apparently they keep embarrassing her with stuff the shareholders don’t like.
WhatsApp to Stephen: You know, defund the police, bomb Israel, cut back welfare payments to the disabled. The usual left agenda.
From: [email protected]
Hi Alice, I understand your concern but FWIW, I think the problem with Slime and Carbuncle is not that they are nasty, sloganising lefties but that they are a dreary bunch of sloganising lefties with a moderate profile and modest sales. There’s nothing to lift them out of the crowd. The reason for your difficulties with shareholders and the media, may I suggest, is that the revenue they generate does not justify the aggravation.
I suggest a different approach. If it goes wrong, you can always drop them later. Best Rutherford
Find me on Strava, KoM Sydenham Hill, London to Brighton 3 hrs 04m, Al Jubailah/Bawdah Loop — 42 mins
From: [email protected]
So here’s the plan. The most valuable currency in modern media is attention and the best way to get it is outrage. It’s fantastic news they are at Glastonbury. We need them to be so shocking they become a symbol of defiance for angry Gen-Zers. The downloads should rise exponentially and you will have a cutting-edge band on your books. Can you connect me with them? Best Rutherford
Find me on Strava . . .
WhatsApp to Slime: If we want to make a splash, I don’t think Free Palestine will do the job. Frankly, “F*** Palestine” would be edgier but that’s not the demographic we are after. If you do want to go down the Gaza route, you are going to have to be much more aggressive.
WhatsApp to Slime: No, I’m absolutely not questioning the urgency of the cause or the sincerity of your beliefs. I’m just working on ways to magnify them. You have a global audience. Use it.
WhatsApp to Slime: How do you feel about “Nuke Israel at the double, let’s turn Tel Aviv to rubble?” And maybe the flag of Hamas or the Iranian Revolutionary Guards, one of the good guys anyway.
WhatsApp to Slime: Disaster. The Really Furious Boys just did a “hug for Hamas” chant. We need to up the volume. How about Firebomb Starmer?
WhatsApp to Alice: Your boys came through for us, now let’s get cooking. I know a Tory MP who will jump at this.
WhatsApp to Freddie: Are you watching Glastonbury? Have you seen what this band Slime and Carbuncle have said? Tories need to hammer this. And it was live on the BBC too.
WhatsApp to Alice: Have you seen the news? This is what I call a precision strike — we’ve got all kinds of attacks on Slime. Looks like he’s fighting the whole establishment. Punk marketing rocks.
WhatsApp to Slime: Don’t worry, we’ll get you a lawyer. More important, you have sounded a call that has been heard around the world. You have to keep swaggering; stay defiant. We want you on the front page of the Mail, and Telegraph every day. PS: I see your downloads have spiked too — people want to hear what you have to say.
WhatsApp to Alice: Now we need to keep this going.
WhatsApp to Jill@Guardian: I see a great editorial here. Instead of raging at Slime and Carbuncle, let’s get mad about what’s going on in Gaza.
WhatsApp to Tim@TheTelegraph: Seriously you guys need to keep at this. A bunch of woke virtue-signalling bandwagon jumping lefties who probably hate Britain. Heads need to roll.
WhatsApp to Jim@TheTimes: Seriously, punk rocker in outrageous comment shocker. This is a great chance for a lofty leader in the classic Times tradition suggesting we regain a sense of perspective.
From: [email protected]
Two draft statements ready to go: A: While BigCo in no way condones the offensive comments by Slime and Carbuncle, rock groups have always challenged social norms. We stand by our band’s right to highlight perceived injustices.
B: While BigCo strongly supports the musicians’ freedom and integrity, a series of artistic differences have led us to part company with Slime and Carbuncle. Any future enquiries should be referred to the band.
I’m glad you feel this has worked. Don’t be squeamish about cutting the cord when you feel you need to. These guys are launched now. They’ll be fine. Best R
Find me on . . .
WhatsApp to Stephen: Yeah it worked like a dream. Sometimes the old songs are still the best. But on your new client I’d have to steer you away. I’m not sure this strategy would work for a challenger bank.
Messages recovered by Robert Shrimsley